How is Your Stress Level Today?

Well it is Friday, so hopefully your stress levels are pretty low, but you could also be working on a deadline and the weekend is looming ahead of you.  Stress is obviously one of the things that we all like to avoid, but most of us live under a certain amount every day.  So how do we deal?

Sometimes we can readily identify our stress and sometimes we can’t, we just know we feel stressed and all of life seems to be ganging up on us.  Before you can eliminate the cause you really have to identify the stressor to see if elimination is even possible. I recommend using a Stress Diary.

Stress Diaries are important for understanding the causes of short-term stress in your life. They also give you an important insight into how you react to stress, and help you to identify the level of stress at which you prefer to operate.  The basic idea is that you regularly record information about the stresses in your life.  Things like the drive to work, or the boss, or a co-worker, your diet, friends etc. may all cause you some stress but you have never really thought that much about them.

As well as helping you capture and analyse the most common sources of stress in your life, Stress Diaries help you to understand:

• The causes of stress in more detail;
• The levels of stress at which you operate most effectively; and
• How you react to stress, and whether your reactions are appropriate and useful.

So here is how to use your Stress Diary

• Enter the date and time of the entry. I suggest you try to write something every hour or so.
• Record your most recent stress, and rate it on a 1 – 10 scale.
• Note how the stress affected you (made you angry, you were short with others, etc.)
• What was the cause of the stress (if stress is caused from being caught in traffic because you slept in then you are the source of the stress and can take action to control it)
• What are the symptoms you feel, if any, when you are stressed? ( “butterflies in your stomach”, anger, headache, raised pulse rate, sweaty palms, etc.).
• How did you handle the stress (solved the problem, told someone off, honked your horn)

Now comes the fun part.  After you have recorded in your diary for several days or a week, begin to look through your diary to determine what are the most important, and frequent sources of stress for you.  Can any of them be controlled or eliminated?  Are there ways to handle your stress differently?

Many times stress can be self-induced, and this simple exercise will help you to see when you are causing your own stress or setting yourself up to experience more pressure from others.  Very often we are so used to our routines that we forget that changing one small thing in our lives can actually make a huge difference.

Stress is a part of living, and some is good for us, but the stress that shortens our lives can often be controlled, it is all a matter of researching and figuring out just how to do it!  Feeling stressed about your stress?  Now you have a plan to get in control of it!

 

Life, Love and Chocolate!

Life, love, and chocolate taste better when shared with others.  — Cindy Hess Kasper

How true is that statement!  I have been reflecting a lot lately upon the people in my life that add value to my daily existence.  I am meeting one such person today for a long overdue lunch.

Equally so, there are those that detract from my life because they are in it only for themselves.  I have some of those people in my life as well.  Happily only a few.

Have you considered what you life would be like without those people in your life who not only add to it, but multiply the joy you have by their own, creating a richer fuller life for both of you?  Rarely am I thankful enough for the people in my life who give me insight, encouragement, entertainment and yes even the occasional bit of stress.

Today I am grateful for my family and for my furry little four-legged friends who share my life.  And for all the people I meet with each day, clients, old friends and new friends.  I am grateful for those who speak wisdom into my life, pastors, mentors, leaders I respect.  They encourage me and enlighten me and admonish me as necessary.  That is the true value of one’s life, friendship.  The more friends we have the richer we are.  The bumper sticker which reads “he who dies with the most stuff wins” should read, “he who dies with the most friends wins”.

If you are feeling as though your life does not count today, think of those people who count on you.  Not just for to fill a spot, or do a job, but to be their for them, to enrich their lives with yours.  Even though we all seek to have more “stuff” in the end the people we have gathered throughout our lives will be what counts in the end.

Go share some chocolate with someone you love today!

Changing Others by Changing Yourself

I just listened to a book review on a book about training one’s husband the same way that one would training a dog or a bird.  Since I am quite offended by the title, I won’t advertise it.  If you really want to read the book I am sure it will be listed on the Today Show web site.  This lady’s premise is that if we use the same principles we use for training animals we can train our husbands to do what we want.  She kept saying that she nagged less, criticized less and gave her husband positive reenforcement for the good things he did, and by “good” she meant what she wanted him to do.

As someone who has been married for almost thirty-four years, it is hard to decide where to start with all the ways that this premise is WRONG!  First of all, my husband does not and has never existed to do just what I want, and further, it is not my job to make that so.  At no time in our married life have I ever considered that he needed training.  We are partners in this relationship.  We have experienced all kinds of events in our lives, good and bad.  We have faced challenges together, from births to deaths and everything in between, all without the aid of training.

The author of the book mentioned that as she was “training” her husband she learned to nag less, and to give him positive reenforcement to do the things that she wanted.  She displayed the same type of patience that she showed the animals she trained.  Perhaps training would not have been necessary if she had focused less on training and more treating him with respect and love just because he deserved it.

Now I am sure the author did not intend that we take everything she is saying literally.  Hopefully this book was written somewhat tongue in cheek.   But lest it is not, I would like to reiterate the one thing that everyone should remember, and that is honest relationships do not require manipulation, positive reenforcement or training.  If one desires their relationships to be fulfilling and long-lasting, whether it be with a spouse, child, parent, sibling or friend, honesty must be the chief ingredient.  All else places one person above the other and that is where we get the idea of “training” those we care about.

The only context that I believe “training” applies in a loving relationship is when we”train” our children to grow up to be productive and caring members of society.  That training entails instruction, mentoring, admonishment, punishment and a large dose of love.  We are training them because that is our job.  It is not our job to train our spouses.

If you just can’t resist the idea of training someone, train yourself.  Train yourself to be more patient with those you love.  Teach yourself to honor and respect those you encounter in your daily life.  Coach yourself in learning to think before you vomit angry responses to your children when they act like children.  Learn how to say “I’m sorry” more and “its your fault” less.  Take a page from the greatest play book of all, and “treat others as you would have them treat you”.

Monday Morning

So how is your Monday going?  Did you get up this morning ready to meet a new day or are you dreading another long week.  Some have challenges at work, at home, physically or emotionally, so getting up and moving forward is significantly more difficult, but they do it anyway.  Some people don’t even really think about how they feel on Monday morning, they just get up and get going and flow through the week.

One of my challenges this week is to give a three-minute talk at a networking group I recently joined.  In three minutes I must tell everyone what I do.  You may be asking ‘how hard is it to tell people what you do’?  Telling people what I do is not difficult, doing it in three minutes, in such a way as to help my audience understand why they would want to hire a life coach or refer their friends to me, is the difficult part.

Now I really enjoy my job.  I get a great sense of satisfaction from helping people achieve the goals they set for themselves, helping them tackle the obstacles that are in their way and showing them that their lives have purpose.  Promoting my work is the challenging part, but even that is made more palatable because I meet so many wonderful people.

When I feel particularly challenged I always find it helpful to make a list of those things that challenge me, but really must be done.  Since I understand that tasks which are challenging  are often great candidates for procrastination, I find putting them down on paper makes them less likely to get ignored.  Today I need to create a short and long presentation about my business, so it is on the list.  I also need to continue working on a seminar and an ebook, all on the list.  I find solitary jobs most challenging so I have a running list of them!

So, like everyone else, I will get through the challenges of my week and hopefully by getting through my week, I will help someone else get through theirs.   Happy Monday!

Purpose

I was reminded again today of how often we do things for no particular reason.  We go through the motions of each day without ever really considering if there is a purpose to our work, our leisure, our relationships or our lives in general.  When was the last time you asked yourself ‘what is my purpose for taking up space on the planet’?

Why do you go to work each day?  Is it to earn money or make a name for yourself in a particular industry?  Do you find fulfillment in your work or do you simply view as a means to an end?  What do you do with your spare time, does it serve a purpose in your life or the life of others?

Purpose in life is one of those questions that seems to haunt all of us at various times in our lives.   Perhaps when our work is particularly mundane or boring or if work is exacting a huge toll on us we may ask why are we here and why are we doing this job.  Our relationships can often make us wonder about our purpose.  Sometimes difficult relationships cause us to question our own worth and ultimate purpose.

I was encouraged today to be reminded that I have only one purpose and that is to glorify the God I serve.  I do what I do to glorify God, because I do what I do at His bequest and in His favor.  Take heart today, life is not that complex if we just keep the main thing the main thing – glorify the God who made you and who loves you!

Friends the Antidote to Stress

I had a wonderful day yesterday.  I rested, did a little reading, and best of all I spent time with a friend.  After a week filled with clients, networking, writing and preparing for a seminar, I was mentally spent and needed to recharge a little.  This brings me to what I consider to be the best defense against stress – friendship.

I cannot state strongly enough the value of a good friend.  For some it is their spouse, and although I consider my spouse to be my best friend, there is just no substitute for a good girl friend or a buddy to watch the game with.

So how can a good friend help with my stress, you may be asking?  For one thing a friend can share your frustrations and buoy you up when you’re down or frustrated.  A friend is someone you can dream with or talk through problems with.  A friend can bring you back to earth or send you soaring.

Friends also give us a chance to think outside of our own small world.  Sharing a friend’s concerns reminds us that we are not the only ones with challenges.  Friendship gives us a fresh perspective on our own humanity and the things that all humans experience.  Friends remind us that we are not alone.

A good friend can also share our joys and achievements.  They are in our corner cheering for us, sometimes when no one else is and sometimes when the whole world is watching.

Best of all, we stop for our friends, when they call to talk – we stop.  Stopping resets our mental motor, and like rebooting a computer, when we stop for a while we come back to our problems energized and with fresh perspective.

So my prescription for the stresses of life is to get out from behind your desk, shut off the phone, silence the iPod and call your friend.  Plan a lunch, a dinner or just a coffee break.  Let someone refresh you and refresh them while you’re at it!

Good Advice to Avoid Stress at Work

Recently I took a continuing education teleclass that focused on business building.  The instructor talked about tenaciously continuing to do the things that build our business and to stay focused on our goals and values.  All standard stuff heard when taking a class that is designed to keep business owners focused on growth.  It was a good class and an excellent reminder of how much hard work and planning can pay off.

She also discussed a couple of things that got me thinking about the kinds of activities in the workplace tend to entangle all of us and can lead to stress we bring home to our families.  The first thing she told us to do to stay focused is to avoid all “drama” in our lives.  Now as a life coach, sometimes we hear a lot of drama, and it made sense that she would tell us to stay above the fray of drama. But then I began to think about the drama I used to encounter when I worked in the corporate world.  I also remember how easy it was to get caught up in other people’s drama and bring those stressful feelings home.

I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with listening to the problems of others or being a good friend, but avoid getting drawn in so deeply that you lose perspective and start to feel their stress.  Some people live in a constant state of drama, avoid it and avoid the stress they carry.

The second bit of advice was to avoid gossip.  We all know how hard it is to avoid gossip, and how easy it is to get involved in gossiping about friends and co-workers.  Nothing will cause you to lose focus on your work and your goals than gossip.  Gossip can literally eat us up.  We have to remember what we said to who, when, in what context, and did she tell  so and so.  Keeping track of all the stories can lead be extremely stressful.  Living above the gossip in the office, neighborhood, school or any environment in which we find ourselves, will keep us out of trouble.   There is a reason that even the Bible mentions the pitfalls of gossip, it is often based in lies and can actually, taken to the extreme, destroy lives.  Avoid it, avoid the stress.

Because we spend so much time at work, it is easy to get involved in the lives of others.  For most of us our friends are at work and a lot of our social life happens there.  Set some boundaries for yourself as to just how much you allow yourself to get involved in the lives of others.  Define that for yourself on paper to remind you just whose life you will be involved in and to what extent.  Your best friend may be there and your rules for her may be more than for someone you know only in passing.  I even suggest that you define the kinds of things you will listen to from friends at work and exactly what type of situation you will involve yourself in.

A friend of mine is an excellent listener and tries to keep up with the lives of people in his workplace.  He is good at remembering birthdays, children’s names etc.  He is pleasant and well-liked at work.  He minds his own business and stays busy, however he was quick to act when one of his employees told him he was considering suicide.  He reached out and got the guy the help he needed.  He knows what is important and what is not, and knows his boundaries in all situations.

The point my teacher was making is that nothing removes our focus off of our goals faster than drama and gossip.  Stay focused, stay above the fray!

Saving Stress in the Morning

Many people find it difficult to get out of the house in the morning.  There is always some unexpected crisis with a child or the neighbor’s cat is missing and they bang on your door to see if you have seen her.  Kids can’t get up, spouses takes extra long showers, baby needs to be changed or any number of things can and often do go wrong every single day.  You arrive at work frazzled with mismatched shoes and half your make-up on, and everyday you vow to fix the problem.  Since life never seems to cooperate with any of us, I have a few tips to help make mornings run a little smoother.

1.  Since the only thing you can control is your morning routine, make sure you arise with enough time to get completely ready before the rest of the house rouses.

2.  Gather everything you need to take to work and put it by the door, ready to grab and run.

3.  Gather everything the children need for the next day and put it with coats and shoes by the door, ready to leave the house.

4.  Set the breakfast table and prepare the coffee maker with coffee ready to be brewed.  If possible buy a programmable coffee maker.

5.  Prepare lunches the night before and put them in the refrigerator, labeled and ready to be added to back packs and briefcases.

6.  Create a central place in your home for phones to be charged each evening so that everyone knows where their phone is and can gather it up before leaving the house.

7.  Screen phone calls and only answer predetermined calls.  (Grandma, boss, school, car pool etc.)

8.  If children are old enough to help, get them involved in the organizing ritual by having them make their own lunches and pack their bags to be ready for the next day.

These are just a few things that seemed to work around my house when my kids were in school, and hopefully some of these suggestions can help you too.

Reduce your stress tomorrow, get organized tonight!

Financial Stress

I consistently work with people who experience unnecessary stress in their lives because of their finances.  Many people experience financial issues at different times in their lives, but when finances are a constant problem, stress is the result.  In my practice, I find that people fall into a couple of categories when it comes to financial stress.  Either they have never understood how to manage money or they know how to manage money but refuse to do the things necessary to get their finances under control.  The former are usually pretty eager to fix the problem and the latter need a crisis catalyst to get them to seek help.

So why do so many people suffer from financial distress.  Simply put, we spend more than we make.  We over use or misuse credit and end up getting into stressful financial situations.  If we do this for too long we can spend most of our lives trying to dig out from under a mountain of debt.

When I work with my clients to help them gain control of their finances we start out with the basics.  We work on gaining control of spending and create accountability for every dollar spent.  We follow a few simple steps:

1.  Understand how much money is needed every month to pay all bills.  Learn the total amount of money coming into the household and how it is dispersed.  Surprisingly, with the advent of credit cards, many people never really think about how much money it takes just to stay alive in their corner of the planet.  An exhaustive analysis of income and expenses needs to take place to fully understand those numbers.

2. Create a methodology for tracking how much money is spent monthly on variable and fixed expenses.  Since many people use credit cards for cash flow or convenience.  They don’t track how much money charged and if they don’t know their regular monthly expenses, they can easily overspend.

3.  Stop the use of all credit cards and use cash or checks with funds generated each month from work or investments.  This is difficult for many people, however is completely necessary if they are going to stem the tide of over spending.

4.  Create a budget and set up accountability to ensure adherence.

5.  Create a savings account and put money aside each month.  It may be only a few dollars at first, however since most people don’t save it is good to cultivate the habit even when things are tight.  A savings account can relieve the stress of life’s little emergencies down the road, like job loss, illness, accident, or home repairs.

6.  Examine credit card debt and begin a program to pay down the debt.  Minimum payments made on one or more credit cards each month creates negative cash flow and a tremendous amount of stress.  Additionally, making minimum payments means payments are mostly interest and the principle is almost never affected.

These steps may seem very simple, but in reality a lot of work is necessary to make peace with a bad financial situation.  I have seen people forced to get second jobs just to make credit card payments, or have their wages garnished because of default on loans.

Let’s face it, money problems can create unbearable stress on family relationships, and keep us from reaching our dreams.  It is very hard to see the future as bright when we are paying off yesterday’s indulgences.

Living within one’s means used to be much easier a generation ago.  Credit was not as readily available and watching one’s pennies was imperative.  With the advent of readily available credit early on in life, the road to financial ruin is getting wider and smoother.  To avoid the stress that goes along with financial problems learn to control not just spending but the impulse to buy immediately.  A little delayed gratification is far less stressful and builds character.

Isn’t that what Mom always said?

Bust the Stress in Your Life!

I have so many friends with stresses in their lives that just never let up.  Caring for aged parents or an ailing spouse, unreasonable bosses, boring jobs, juggling unreasonable schedules, overworked, money and credit issues, children’s schedules, all of these things create stress that in many cases goes on for years or even decades.  Most of us do not have the luxury of being able to check out for two weeks in some tropical climate, we are quite simply “stuck ” in stressful situations.  Stress has become the norm for many people.  Its adverse affects are heart disease, cancer, high blood pressure and so on.  Stress sucks the life our of us and we feel trapped and alone.

So what are we to do about stress?  Since most of us can’t escape stress, we all must find some ways to deal with stress to maintain our sanity.

1. Exercise – I know for many people this is a four-letter word, however exercise does relieve stress.  Take a walk, get on the tread mill, take up running or yoga.  Even though time may be at a premium, exercise releases chemicals in our brain that actually give us a sense of well-being.  We actually feel better.  Start by squeezing a few minutes of exercise in each day and see how you feel.

2.  Talk to a friend – Friends can empathize, give advise or just listen during stressful times.  Building strong relationships provides us with a place of shelter during tough times.  Make sure you have lots of friends.

3.  Journal – Sometimes writing our feelings on paper provides an emotional release that helps us keep going.  In stressful situations that go on for a long time and strain us to the limit, getting our feelings out on paper is extremely cathartic.

4.  Take up a hobby -  Sometimes having something else to concentrate on provides relief from the immediate problem.  Hobbies can so captivate our thoughts that we take the focus off the source of stress and find some relief.

5.  Read a book – Books can also captivate our senses and take us to another place relieving our stress for short periods of time.

6. Pray – If you are a spiritual person, prayer often offers the most significant release from stress.  Experiencing God’s comforting presence is the result of a rich prayer life.  I have met people who exude great calm while undergoing the most extreme stress by maintaining  a consistent prayer life.  Prayer is having a friend who never sleeps, goes on vacation or leaves your side.

7.  Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow – Sometimes our stress is caused by our own controlling nature and our need to make sure everything gets done, everyone is dressed correctly, the report for the boss is perfect, the secretary gets the day off and on and on.  In short we try to fix everything, for everyone, everywhere.  Sometimes the answer to relieving our stress is to let other experience their own.

8.  Take a bath – I have a friend that is a new person after a long hot bath, surrounded by candles, flowers and soft music.  Find a place in your life that relaxes your senses and brings some peace.

9.  Sleep – Take a nap, go to bed early, sleep in, do what you need to do to make sure you are getting enough rest.  There is no substitute for sleep in relieving that exhausted feeling.  Make sure you are in the habit of getting lots of rest.

10.  Find some quiet – Find time for silence in your life.  Take a walk or sit in a park or in your backyard or on your balcony – someplace quiet.  Turn of the phone, radio, ipod, TV, anything that makes noise.  Silence rejuvenates, so give yourself a few minutes everyday of complete quiet.

Stress is a part of life, for some it is a constant companion.  For most of us stress moves us  forward but for others it completely cripples.  Where ever you are on that scale, coping with stress is imperative.  Find a few things that make stress more bearable and you will cope better with whatever your situation may be.