Stress and Burn Out

I know that we have talked about stress before but there have been so many events in the economy of late that have the potential to increase stress for many people that I think stress deserves some discussion again.  Have you thought about the stress in your life lately?  Are you conscience of any additional stress factors that have been added to you life lately that may cause you to burnout?  Sometimes we go along in life unaware that our lives are getting more and more difficult until we are on overload.  Kind of like driving down a quiet road in the middle of no where at night and at the last minute there is a deer in the road.  You hit it before you have time to react.  Stress is like that.  It builds and builds and then you hit the wall.  Are you ready to hit the wall?

If you think that you are on the verge of burnout the first step to take is to understand what areas of your life are creating the stress.  Are you overburdened at work?  Is to much time and energy being demanded of you, do you have an angry boss, are you working for a company you like or is your job in danger?  All of these things can create a lot of stress.

Perhaps your stress is at home.  Is your personal life what you want it to be?  Are you in a problem relationship?  Are their problems with children or are you caring for elderly parents?  All of these things contribute to our stress levels.

Perhaps you are dealing with illness, either yourself or a loved one.  Future uncertainty with regard to health can be a tremendous stress inducing situation.

There are many people out there who could answer yes to all of the above and yet others lives are sort of boring and boredom can also be a huge stressing factor for some people.   The idea of every day being the same is over whelming and may cause one to feel as though life is just not that exciting and stress occurs from thinking “that’s all there is” to life.

The point I am trying to make is that sometimes there are many things that cause us stress and we never stop to think about our sources of our stress.  Before we deal with stress it is a good idea that we know its source.  Many people can go along time working under a certain type of stress.  They are used to it, they have made friends with it and they function well under it and from time to time even use it as an impetus to getting things done.  But then one little thing happens and they have hit the wall.  It doesn’t have to be large; a speeding ticket, a call from the principal’s office, a child home sick, an unexpected bill, all have the potential to derail us if we are at a tipping point.  If we understand the various stress factors in our lives, we can quickly identify the problem stress factor and deal with it easily and move on.

I suggest that folks keep a stress diary, much like someone managing pain would keep a pain diary.  This type of activity keeps you in touch with how you feel about your circumstances and how they affect you.  If you make yourself cognisant of life’s stress factors you are aware of your threshold and can remove things as needed to keep the stress levels under control before the dam breaks.

Stress and burnout sneak up on us and if we are not exactly sure where our stress comes from it can side line us and take a long time to get get in the game.  Knowing our limits helps us to operate within them.  What is your stress like today?

Who Are You Really?

I am always amazed at how much better I feel when I get around other people. Whether it be for networking or socializing I get energized by people and I find that when I am stuck in my office trying to get things done I am really drained at the end of the day. But, even if I have to go to several events in a day that involve people I come home tired, but happy. This is definitely a function of my personality style and I know myself well enough to know that is I am feeling sad or upset it is just time to get out there and see some people.

You may be like my spouse who needs a lot of time alone to feel energized. He enjoys quiet evenings and weekends to be able to recharge his batteries. If he had a job like mine we would starve and he would be insane.

So what do you know about yourself? Do you understand what makes you tick, or do you feel frustrated by your moods and are unable to identify what lifts your spirits. Personality plays a big role in the choices we make for our lives and if we are not careful to understand who we are, and what our strengths allow us to do, we may well operate at the level of our weaknesses and get stuck in positions that don’t suit us.

Take time to really understand what make you unique, it will help you to treat yourself better, understand the kinds of things you need to do all the time to keep yourself fresh and alive, choose jobs suited for you, and even pick friends.  Self analysis can lead to some serious “ah-ha” moments for you as you travel on your journey to find purpose for your life.

Impossible Situations vs Change

Hopefully you ae one of those people who has a job you just love.  You have friends at work, the business is strong and growing and the corporate culture supports employee growth and new ideas are always welcome.  You know what I am talking about, those great places that get featured on the Discovery Channel where your dog sits happily at your feet in your spacious cubicle and your children play at the on site child care center.

But if you are like many people, your job is less than ideal.  The business may be very affected by the mortgage crisis and there is talk of lay offs or your boss may be one of those people who yells to get his/her point across.  Perhaps you work long hours and see no way out because of age or you feel you can’t replace your salary.

Maybe you are living in an impossible situation in a place where you may not feel safe let alone edified.  Perhaps you feel trapped in relationship that is no longer worth saving.  Your life just seems to be one very long, sad tunnel and you go through the motions because you don’t know what else to do, or you don’t have the money or energy to change things.

For all those impossible situations you may be facing there are solutions.  They may not be easy or comfortable and in some cases may require you to reach out to others, but solutions do exist.  Change takes courage and ingenuity but staying in an impossible situation because you fear change is not a good enough reason to suffer through something that may never get better.  Start by looking at your options, even if you don’t feel they really exist, write them down and then pick one and start pursuing it.  See where a little change can lead you.

It is always best to make changes to impossible situations yourself.  Staying in an impossible job or relationship until it changes for you puts you at a disadvantage.  Taking the initiative to change the problem areas of your life puts you in the drivers seat.  Why not look for a job while you are still earning an income?  You can take your time and choose what you want, where you want it and look stronger to potential employers because you are still working.

Not everything bad in your life can be fixed at the snap of your fingers and we all have impossible situations that cripple us.  But there are solutions if we put the effort into finding them.  Change can be your best friend, as long as you are in control of it.

How Do I “Just Get Over It”

Do you struggle with decisions?  Do you find it hard to get over things?  Do you find yourself always looking for ways to move on when bad things happen to you?

Some people have the enviable ability to jut “let things go” and move on with their lives.  Whether the boss tells them that they didn’t get a promotion or their best friend backs out of big vacation plans, or they get a bad hair cut, they just seem to be able to put it all into perspective and move on.  But many more people let these things churn around inside them and never seem to be able to get past it.  They get bitter and angry and these things ultimately hold them back from achieving their goals.

As life seems to knock us down and we keep struggling to get up, we start to lose touch with ourselves and how we truly feel about things.  We are busy focusing on the bad things and we stop listening to our hearts voice, because we feel it will lead to more disappointment.  We must never stop trusting our own instincts and so from time-to-time it is a good idea to do a little exercise called “reveal you heart’s wisdom”.

This tool helps you move on from anything significant or get some insight into where you are ‘at’ emotionally. This tool was passed on to me from Harley Storey a coach from Australia.  Here is how it works:

Set aside some quiet time to write a letter that no one will read, but will help you to reveal your hearts messages and wisdom.

1.  Write at the top of the page the question you want an answer to, such as “How do really I
feel about Sam?” or “How do I feel about my job”

2.  Write down all the things you wish you could say, what you wished you could’ve said, etc –
basically getting it all out.  Include all the memories – positive and negative – you can remember.
Try not to analyze what you are writing – just let it flow from the heart. Write without judgment – just put down whatever comes to your mind – analyze it later.

3.  When you have finished, leave it for a few hours before reading it, or better still sleep on it.

4.  As you read over what you have written, highlight or underline anything that strikes you as interesting, unusual or significant.  These are the messages and the wisdom your heart is bringing through to you. Think about what these messages are, and what wisdom your heart is revealing to you.

When the time is right, ask yourself what you would like to do with the letter? Put it in a keepsake box, place in a bottle and let it go in the ocean, burn it, bury it or even send it.

This exercise should help you work through issues that have no real resolution except to get over them.  Since so much of life is like that I find this is a great way to be able to move on in spite of feeling injured or mad.  The negative emotions from things we can’t change serve only to hurt us, and if we don’t find a positive outlet for them they hold us back.

Don’t be held back by things you can’t get over.  Keep looking ahead.

Life is Too Short to Be Sad!

Life can really beat us down.  There is always someone ready to burst your bubble, tell you a truth you would rather not know, give you bad news, or tell you your butt looks big in those jeans.  I am always amazed that no matter how many committees, teams, groups or organizations I work in, there is always someone in the group who has the ability to make everyone want to avoid their form of “truth”.  Someone always feels the need to keep happiness from spontaneously breaking out in any room they are in.  Often these folks travel in pairs or in triplets, and they are in the lunch room, stalking the halls, or around every corner, just ready to take the wind out of the sails of anyone who happens to be in a good mood.

So how to we manage to stay on top while so many people want us to be just as unhappy as they are?  I find the answer to that must lie within each of us.  It is so easy to get pulled down into a vortex of negative, critical thinking.  I do believe one thing that helps is to find one person who is always in a good mood and make friends with them.  I have always found that people with a happy disposition tend to rub off on everyone around them.  They can sometimes even make the dark clouds in our lives seem happier.

Another trick I learned while working at a place that seemed to have a whole department full of dark clouds, was to limit my time with them.  Let’s face it, we may be forced to interact with these people at work or in church, or on a committee at school, so we must be prepared to handle them as necessary.  I learned never to deal with them when I was tired, hungry, sad or in any other weakened state.  I made contact only as I needed to and for as brief a time as possible.  I also tried not to deal with them alone, since they seem to travel in packs, I didn’t want to get surrounded.

Also, never commiserate with them, if they think you agree they make you a member of their sad little club.  Never go to them for advise or to let off steam, that also could get you drawn into their group and then they want to be around you all the time.

Surround yourself with positive people.  The people that have the most access to your personal life should be the ones that will tell you that you look fat in those jeans by directing you to something more flattering, not by laughing and pointing.  Create a positive circle around yourself so that you can stay as positive as the world will let you be.

Also, don’t be one of the those people.  Even if your natural temperament is one that leans toward sadness and critical thinking, try to keep yourself positive and happy.  Happy people live longer, have more friends and get through the rough spots in life more gracefully.  Being critical of others makes you feel critical, but trying to see the good in others automatically makes you a happier person.  Find the things in life that make you happy and don’t dwell on the things that could bring you to that sad place.

Like most things in life, being happy is a choice.  We can choose who we associate with, how we respond to problems, who are best friends will be and whether or not we are going to make the most of every opportunity.  The choice is yours, choose wisely.

The More You Know!

I had a cousin email me today to ask me all about my family medical history.  Since she had recently become ill, she was doing a genetic survey of all the ailments on our side of the family tree.  I dutifully filled out the information she asked for and hoped that it would help her find some of the answers she was seeking.

It got me to thinking about the past and wondering if we are doomed to repeat the same illnesses and failures of our ancestors or if we can somehow avoid them simply by being informed.  My guess is that there are some things that we can avoid like over weight and maybe lung cancer, if we don’t adopt the same habits of over eating and smoking as our parents may have had.  So it would follow learning a little about ourselves and our personal inclinations might also be good for the rest of our lives too.

Obviously there are things that we simply can’t control about ourselves, our height, eye color, shoe size and so on are pretty much etched in stone, but there are things about ourselves that we can improve with some knowledge.  If we can understand ourselves a little better, we may be able to use that information to make our futures a little brighter.  Although there are many things about us that are “hard-wired” so to speak, understanding and accepting them can produce some positive changes.

I encourage people to find out about their strengths and weaknesses and then understand how their personality affects their lives.  Does your shyness help you in your work and social life or do you feel hindered by who you are?  Does your aggressive nature make people want to work with you?  Do you feel like others always seem to get ahead and you are ignored.  Have you every examined your personality lately and looked at the wonderful strengths you have and examined how your weaknesses might be holding you back?

Like my cousin, I believe that knowledge is a powerful tool in life and if you can figure some things out about yourself that will make your life better, maybe it is time to go on a little journey of self exploration.  To get started, figure out your personality.  You can go to my web site and do that for free.  The more you know, the more you can control.  Knowledge is power, get more powerful!

Be Above Average!

I heard someone say that “it takes so little to be above average” and at the time I really didn’t think that I believed that statement.  But the more I interact with people at networking groups and social events the more I believe that to be true.  I run into people who are perpetually late for appointments, who walk into a room looking like they just rolled out of bed and who use language that would make a sailor blush and think how much more successful these folks would be if they just made a few minor adjustments.

Are you interested in being “above average”?  Let’s look at a few things you can do tomorrow to get there:

1.  Be on time. -  There is no greater insult to anyone than to be late.  Now I know that sometimes things happen, the kid throws up, the car won’t start or there is an accident on the freeway. but a little planning the night before can make you on time every time.  Being on time allows you to arrive relaxed and on your game.  It shows respect for the host/hostess or the boss if you are ready for a meeting.  It gives you the advantage that your later co-worker or competitor will not have.

2.  Look appropriate. -  If you are going to a business meeting, look the part.  If you are meeting at the ball park, look the part.  If you have been invited to a fancy event at a posh restaurant, don’t come looking like you are going to grab a burger at Mickey D’s!  No one expects us to dress to the nines all the time, but dressing appropriately for the event, at work or socially, just shows you are considerate and you care about what you are doing.

3.  Learn to smile. -  A smile can put the whole room at ease.  If you make sure that wherever you go you wear a smile, you will have friends and allies in every room you enter.  People want and need to be around cheerful uplifting people, so gain a reputation for being the person who likes people.

4. Act confident. - Use your body language to project appropriate confidence and self-assurance. Stand tall, smile (of course), make eye contact, greet with a firm handshake. All of this will help you project confidence and encourage both you and the other person feel better at ease

5.  Be positive. - No body likes a gloomy Gus who walks around with his/her cup half empty.  Try to see the good in people and situations and you can be assured people will be interested in what you have to say.

6.  Be polite.  -  Simple manners have been lost these days.  Saying “please” and “thank you” shows that you respect people and their opinions.

7.  Turn off your phones in meetings, social gatherings, one-on-one conversations. and restaurants - Nothing says “you’re not that important” as answering a phone in a meeting.  For decades the world ran without us having to be at the beck and call of family, bosses, co-workers, etc. and if you are in a meeting (unless it is an all-day affair) most of us can afford to turn off our phones.  If it is going to be necessary for you to take a specific call, let the people you are with know and apologize in advance, explaining why this is so important that you must take the call.

8.  Watch your language. - There is no need to emphasize what you have to say with expletives and “R” rated language.  And there is certainly no room in any setting for innuendo, crude words, bad jokes or rude jesters.  If you are the one person in the room who can articulate a point without the use of this type of language, you will be the one that looks intelligent.

Follow these few rules and in no time at all people will be looking at you as an authority on any subject you care to introduce.  Why?  Because you will become the person that seems to “have it together” and that person is always viewed as an authority.  If you don’t believe me, think about the people in your life that seem to fall into that category.  What are they like?  I rest my case.  Notice also that none of these things will cause you to act in a way that appears phoney or unreal to folks around you.  These are simple, common sense ideas to help anyone be accepted in any group.  None of them are hard or require any extra education or specific training.  Everyone can be “above average” with just a little effort.

Now go out and be above average today!

Taking Responsibility

Taking responsibility for one’s actions is really hard for some people.  It doesn’t always come naturally to many people to say they messed up and accept the responsibility for the consequences.  We want the consequences to go away just because we are who we are.  We like to blame everyone for everything and the results of that type of thinking can actually affect how well we do in life.

In my practice, one of the things I teach people is that there are things in every personality that will hold one back.  Maybe it is indecision, or anger, or fear.  Maybe you are someone who can’t stick to things and you excuse that behavior by saying you need variety, but you never seem to get ahead.  We all have character flaws that make it difficult for us to excel or sometimes even just to get by.

The problem however comes when we use those flaws as an excuse.  We say things like “well you should never take what I say seriously, I get mad easily and don’t mean anything by what I say”, like everyone should know you are hot headed and it should be okay.  Or when people arrive late to everything with excuses as long as your arm, everyone is just supposed accept that and move one.  The fact of the matter is that our personality flaws should never be an excuse for bad behavior.  We need to take responsibility for who we are and take steps to change our own bad behavior.

What kinds of things to your regularly do that annoy others and you never apologize for?  What kinds of habits do you have that keep you from moving forward?  Are you afraid?  Do people find you abrasive?  Are you too loud?  Think about it and think about how you might be able to overcome these habits and character flaws.  Think how changing might just make you a better person and might actually help you excel at what you do.

Connecting with Others

What does your network look like?  I recently joined Linked In and was reminded just how small a world we live in and how connecting with just a few people can lead you to all kinds of people, some you know and some you may not know.  I was at a networking after hours event last evening and watched as three women, who, when they walked in the room, did not know each other and as the evening progressed discovered they all graduated from the same high school.  What are the odds?  Turns out pretty good I guess.

I was reminded of the old adage that “none of us is an island”, even though many of us try very hard to believe we are.  We avoid reaching out to other people because we have been burned and want to insulate ourselves from any more pain.  Some of us feel we are simply not good with people and just don’t like to be in large crowds.  Still others find guilt in relationships and prefer to remain solitary to avoid feelings people often put on us.  The fact is creating just a small network of friends is really good for the soul.

No where is it written that we must have friends, but it sure helps when the wind blows to have someone to huddle up with to be warm.  I don’t always like big crowds but is was nice to be with this group last night, since they were all people I have known for some time and it was nice to catch up.  Most of the time I like to hang out in one’s and two’s, since I really like to get to know people, and that is an easier setting.  The point is, even if you don’t know a lot of people, you should make some friends.  There are plenty of days when hanging out alone with my dogs is the best thing in the world, but I recognize the incredible value of having good relationships, and the more the merrier.

Remember “a man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package”.  Do something new today, make a friend.

A Word about Guilt

Guilt is a powerful motivator.  We do things because we feel guilty, we don’t do things because we will feel guilty and we may even motivate ourselves with guilt.  We do everything from losing weight to exercise to achieving big goals, all while feeling guilty if we do or don’t.  Our parents often guilted us into higher grades, playing sports, and doing chores around the house.  For years the church kept us on the straight and narrow based on guilt.  For some people if they didn’t have guilt, they would never even get out of bed in the morning.

So does this describe you?  Do you have someone else’s voice ringing in your ears every time you set your goals?  Do you let other people manipulate you into doing things that you no longer have an inclination or desire to do?  Does guilt cripple you?

Well you are not alone.  I believe that guilt is a tool that God uses to help us recognize when we are not in line with His principles.  That kind of guilt is easily fixed by recognizing our error, repenting and then moving on.  But if your feel guilt all the time about everything, that is not from God and can be a destructive force in your life.

If you are someone who feels guilty for everything all the time, that is not good and you need to examine the source of your guilt.  So how can you overcome the type of guilt that is destructive?

1.  Recognize the role guilt plays in your life.  Does it just happen every now and again or do you wake up guilty.  Deal with guilt head on, don’t be afraid of it.  Take note of the things that make you feel guilt, and determine if the guilt you feel is legitimate or is something learned or that you put on yourself as a way to control a habit you don’t like.  Understand your guilt and you can learn to overcome it.

2.  Are there people in your life who manipulate you with guilt?  Do an assessment of all those in your life, and take note of those who make your feel the guiltiest.  These people need to have limited access to your personal thoughts and life.  Even if these folks are in your family, you must control the time you spend with them so that you see them when you are strongest

3.  When you feel guilt, ask yourself if it is legitimate.  Did you do something that should make you feel guilty?  Did you do something that steps over your personal boundaries of conduct, if so then the guilt is justified and you need to address it and move on.

4.  We should also never use guilt against ourselves.  If we become used to making ourselves do things just to avoid the guilt, we allow guilt to have a great hold on us and soon that is all we will respond to.  Learn to discipline yourself with rewards and not out of guilt.

If you struggle with guilt, identity its source and deal with it.  Don’t let it become a way of life.  What makes you feel guilty?